It all started on Mother's Day...

Mother's Day.  A funny holiday.  Of course when I think of my mother, I have only amazing, wonderful thoughts.  She's practically perfect and absolutely the most amazing person I know.  We've always had a great relationship, except for the few months prior to me quitting piano when I was about 12, and my 16th birthday, but those were my fault, and she was more than patient and loving with me during those times (and others, I'm sure, but I remember those pretty vividly.).  So I could post and write about my mom forever.  I love her immensly.  As for being a mother, it's an interesting day.  Most of the time, I love being a mom. I love my kids, and am SO blessed to have healthy, beautiful, and genuinely sweet children.  I love our lives and that we do fun things, that I get to go to parks, libraries, museums, attractions, etc.  I love the moments when I know they love me and when I make them happy.  I love the moments when they make me the happiest person alive.  I love Levi's smiles in the morning--it's the best thing to wake up to.  I love Claire's hugs and funny faces, and how she has all of the videos of her on our phones memorized and can recite all of them.  I love when she runs into my arms at night to put her down after she's given Nathan a hug and a kiss.  I love being able to teach my kids and nurture them and help them to not feel scared or sad.  Being a mom has some of the most wonderful loving emotions.  But, it also comes with frustrations.  Our little Doodle (Levi) struggles a lot of the day because he only likes to sleep right next to a warm body.  This makes it tough when he needs lots of sleep during the day and I need my hands to take care of other needs during the day.  {Enter the Moby wrap}.  The many accumulated hours of rocking a crying baby are tough and I wish I could just push a button and he'd fall asleep.  Alas, we have these trials for a reason, and I know that me learning patience is just one of the positive outcomes of his sleep struggles.  Then, our little Claire who has been so angelic until about a month ago when something triggered in her brain and all of the sudden we are having to deal with huge tantrums, disobedience, shrieking with anger at me and Nathan when we try to talk to her, hitting Levi, etc.  It has been so hard to watch because 1) I don't know what happened.  I feel like something took over my once-very-peaceful child and 2) I have no idea what to do.  I'm a huge proponent of disciplining with love, and I think it's so important for me to be consistent with my discipline with my kids so that they learn what is right/wrong. We don't tolerate hitting/screaming/etc., and I have to enforce that.  But recently that's led to her continuing to hit/scream/act out, and it's really hard.  My mom assures me that it's just a phase and that it's normal for her age.  I agree, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it's hard to deal with and very frustrating.
So anyways, it all started with Mother's Day.  I think the day was fine until we were going home from church and Claire would NOT get into the car.  This led to me having to physically put her into the car and clip her in all while she kicked me, hit me, clawed at my face, etc.  I wanted to cry.  I felt like an awful mother not knowing how to handle her, and it didn't feel good being treated this way either.  I wanted to run from mother's day.  Then you see all the pictures of other people on facebook of them super happy with all their kids and some caption about how much they love them, etc.  And that's great!  I usually feel that way too! Just not this mother's day!  It's just like, their kids willingly and lovingly took a photo with them for mother's day, and my kids cried and screamed at me.  Maybe next year we'll get a photo worthy of a frame?  This year we didn't even try to take a picture.
And the week didn't get better as we tried potty training M-Thurs.  Here's the story.  I was super excited about it.  I felt like Claire was ready and would be so awesome at it.  She can talk so well, and understands large concepts if you take the time to explain things to her.  She tells me when she has a dirty diaper, and when she is going pee.  So, I just figured that once we started potty training, it would be so easy.  Well, that was naiive.  It wasn't even the accidents that were tough (please, I deal with bodily fluids all day long).  It was the huge fluctuations of emotion, the intense sacrifice, and all of these mixed together in 3 days when you don't leave the house.  The first day was mostly accidents, which was totally fine and expected.  But, still exhausting, as you're not supposed to leave your child's side, and I had to keep her entertained with something all day long, and nothing else in the house got done.  The second day was encouraging.  She would start going in her underwear, then tell me, then get the rest in the toilet.  I felt like we were on our way to perfect success.  Then Day 3 came.  2 accidents in the morning, 1 success, then more accidents.  It totally didn't click, and these 3 days which I spent trying to come up with fun activities, do nothing for myself, and spend every second of Claire's wakefulness at her side were for naught.  Well, maybe not totally because I did learn a lot--mostly that you can't push it.  Lots of people had told me to be flexible, that some kids aren't ready, but I just didn't feel like that was Claire.  I felt like she was ready.  Alas.  The immense highs of when she went in the toilet, then the lows of when she had another accident were taxing.  I wanted her to succeed SO badly, and when she didn't it was hard!  Plus, you're not supposed to discipline during those 3 days to make the whole experience very positive, so that was really hard when you have a volatile 2 1/2 year old who has been acting out.  Man, it was rough.  I felt like a failure on day 4 when we tried again, but finally I slapped on a diaper.  And we haven't looked back.  Best decision ever.

Mostly what I've learned this week is that I'm not in control, and that trials are real, and that we can ask for heavenly help for even things like potty training.  I love my kids, and the rest of last week and this week are so much better.  But, potty training is tough!  I had no idea.  Next time, I'll plan it when I have nothing else going on, and other children who are a bit more self-sufficient.  So there ya go.  And, I love diapers.  They make my life so much easier!  I don't have to worry about accidents, or worrying about finding a close toilet, etc.  You can just go and play with friends and go outside and live regular lives.  I'm sure once kids 'get' potty training, then it's ok, but until then...  Here's to being a mom :)  I hope all of you had wonderful mother's Days, and that your potty training experiences were fantastic!  We'll try again in a few months or something...